Living with Shadows

CHENNAI, 19-NOV-2023

A warm Sunday morning started with her voice to wake me up. It's been around two years since we both met and started to live together. We both met in a Job Interview just like climax of (500) days of Summer. She tried to wake me up and reminded that I have doctor appointment for the day. I have heard her reminder and pleaded her that I will be having a sleep ten more minutes. But I actually I am going to sleep instead my thoughts filled the memory of past and scenes started to reminisce in my mind.

My life toppled once after arrival of corona from distant land. I have lost everything in the first wave of corona. My Mother and Father both was no more due to corona. My family had been a typical middle-class family which will follow every custom of South Indian households. Our family goals were simple on that time once I complete my studies, I will join a company that anyway I will crack it in my placement drive. My final semester exams were around the corner before that first lockdown announced. Initial thought was that after few days everything going to be alright and will be my ball game then. But everything got ruined in a week.

I still could hear the siren sound of the ambulance in which my mother and Father taken to hospital following days one after other by the medical personnels. My life got into miserable path from that same moment. Everything happened to me till then was like a wonderful train journey that was having scenic views in every window I could see but after that moment it was like a derailed train full of sorrow.

After a week my parents got admitted, it was a Friday eve around 7 p.m., I got a call from an unknown number. I was playing Ludo with online friends in online and didn’t attend the call on first time. I made the same thing on the second time too. And then on the third time, with the frustrating tone, I started to yell him “Hi, who is this?? Why are you making so much call?? I don’t need any product right now. Please cut the call.” He replied with somber that still resonates within me. “We are very sorry to inform that both of your parents are no more; we tried our best but last night oxygen levels dropped drastically, and we couldn’t save them” and I was not able to reply to him or ask him anything since I was stunned and couldn’t make any word further. He continued to speak from the other end “As per govt. policy now, we are informing that dead body of deceased patients’ cremation will be taken care by the government and you won’t allowed since your parents had been affected by corona severely, we are sorry to inform you this and whether could I disconnect this call”. I still remember my reply to him “Hmm…”. I couldn’t be able to answer him anything else other than that. My parents had an inter-religious marriage which made them distant from their respective families and I haven’t seen any relatives till date.

I had the feeling of sorrow enveloping me but couldn’t cry for that. I was not sure what to do next and struck in that moment of third call and staring the photo of my parents for next three days. I haven’t had any meal or water for those days. My mind started to rewind the last moment of my parents before they were getting to that ambulance. After third day, I started to resurrect myself from that sorrow since there was no one to hear my insane mind which pushing me to do suicide then. I believed that I have gathered enough of me to one and to proceed further in my life. I have got the compensations and settlements from my father working place to run my life for few months from then. After that Economy to live alive in this world started to chase me down and pushed me in the corner to give me a knockout blow straight in my face. So, I started to search for a Job with my degree. Even though I miserably made my final exams, I have managed enough to pass. I tried many interviews to get a Job.

On a fine day, I gone for an interview and interview hall is fully packed with maintaining social distance norms of that time. Once I completed my self intro, Interviewer said there was a female candidate with similar background condition given interview before me and they made their statement with pity “we have made her pass this interview and the requirement for them is just one; We will keep your resume on hold for future requirements anyway.” I was not dejected with this rejection instead once I came out of the interview hall, my eyes started to search her where she is. My only aim was to speak with her and will try to make her feel better but hidden agenda for me was to speak about my sorrow to whom will know my pain and could connect with my feelings. Finally I found her in that interview waiting room and made a conversation with her which led me to vent out with all my sorrow that I was resisting for around three months and the conversations continued in every direction that could possibly go and on the same meeting she agreed to move in with me and we started to live together sharing the little happiness left with us and started to move on from our sorrows.

She again called me and said its already time. She continued “Wake up!!! You have counselling with doctor today and still you must get ready” and I responded “Okay! Okay! I will get ready in half an hour and then we will go there”. After we reached clinic, I informed the receptionist and we both started our usual conversation for a while.

After an hour, receptionist called my name and asked me to go next to meet doctor. She said that she will be waiting outside. Myself nodded my head to approve her and gone inside and closed that crooked door completely with screeching noise and made sure that conversation with doctor and me is not reaching here. I took my chair and started gazing the name of the Doctor in his name plate on the table” Riya, MBB, M.D. (Psychiatry) and silence filled the vacuum in the room. After a minute Doctor broke that silence and asked me “Whether still you hallucinate the girl you met in that interview before 2 years”